question for my muslim brothers

[Rafiqa Profil Webbplats]

I am married now for nearlly 3 years. We have 2 kids together and 1 kid from before my husband.
I am a revert and my husband is a born muslim. Our marriage is falling a part 'couse of his egoism. I don't really know how to get thrue to him. He is the opinion that the women have to do everything in the house and take care of the kids. This is how his mum raised him.
But this issiue is not our only problem. He don't respect me at all. I come always at the end even after his friends. Today and it's not first time he is out of the house for 9 hours, living me home alone in a country where i dont know anyone. he don't even call to ask about the kids. And last time i told him that he acts like he is singel. He apologized for me and today we are in the same shoes again. I can't stand it.
he tell me always i am first ... as well before his friends. We never do anything together ... when we do he talk bad to me. Telling me that i am not good to that ... i am bad ... am donkey and called me even more bad words i will not mention theme here 'couse of shame. He all the time threaten me with everything.
Is a marriage suposed to be like that?
Please brother or sisters comment this. I feel like a fool and left behind.
I left everything for him in my country and he treat me like a fly.

[UmmAbdallah Profil]

Assaalaamu aleykum wa rahmatullah

First of all I would say that it isn't easy to give advice about marital problems as individuals are unique and their situations are unique. Still, I will attempt to give some general advice that you might find helpful in sha Allah.

First advice is to direct our problems to Allah subhanahu wa T'ala since He is the true Helper. Make sincere dua that He will help both of you to live in a good relationship with each other.

The second advice is to connect your marriage to Allah, that you are married for His sake and try to do your best for His sake.

The third advice is to communicate. Have you told your husband how you feel and all the things you mentioned in your letter? Otherwise do so, but in a way that you think he will listen to and in an upright way. When there are marital problems there's often a lot of emotions involved and hurt feelings that block the couple from getting through to each other and communicating in a constructive way. It can be good to try to talk when both are calm or instead of talking, writing a letter.

If communication isn't working you sometimes need a third person, like an imam or similar, to help the couple in solving their problems, though it can be hard to find somebody that both feel comfortable with and knows how to help.

Often people end up in a vicious circle and the best way to end it is to try to break it by acting differently towards each other.

Lastly I would say that marriage is a great challenge to most people and you live to learn. There are no quick fixes and patience is the word.
I hope this will be of some benefit and that Allah subhanau wa ta'la will grant you and us blessed marriage insha Allah.

[Rafiqa Profil Webbplats]

Thank you for the answer.
Yes i have been talking many times to him even crying my self. But he just laugh of me or don't want to talk. It's just his way or no other. This is his life.
Yesterday he came home after 9 hours, he told me he forgot time. Like always he apologize and make me believe that he understand at the end. And than go back to what he used to do. I can't get thrue to him.
You know everytime i am crying i remember something i hear i dont know if this is a hadith ....
Be careful- not to make a woman cry, because Allah (SWT) counts her tears.
I don't understand how a person can love the other and don't care that she/he is hurt, crying, lost. For me i want to make the person the happiest on earth when i am in love.
He tell me that this is his way to show love.
As well i will make everything so the person trust me but he do the oposside.
I tryed to take him to an imam ... but he is not at all interested. i am drowning on the dippest wather.

[Koranist Profil]

Dear Rafiqa

I am not sure if you live in Sweden or not, but if you are I want you to know that there are numerous ways that you can get help. For example there is something called "familjerätten". They are professionals and they will help you and your husband to sort out your problems and help your relationship as much as they can. There are other social functions as well.

I think you should check it out because what you are describing is not directly directed towards islam, it is more of a problem that many couples have, regardless of religion. I don't think an Imam could help you unless he is a psychologist or social worker.

Otherwise, if you need help, please let me know. I know the Swedish system quite good and I can give you more specific info if you need.